...... when did it all start? Was I always like this but merely trying to hide my SELF into some "humanitarian, earth loving, spiritual lunatic - wannabe" ? I haven't a clue. 
(
After lying in bed, thinking how nice it would be to have a wireless enabled laptop in where I could blog to my hearts content I got to thinking some more ... and I realized how very much cynical I really am. Cynical, judgemental, very impatient and really quite mean (I just don't blog about it). I remember when I was not like this at all .. and I also remember when I knew I started to be like this (a few years back) and that was why I had tried extensively to submerge myself in spiritual work and such .. to relinquish my ego's and to get in touch with the TRUE Inner Light .. and to live in the NOW and to see all things and people as ENERGIES of Love, and to try to radiate THAT energy that is within ALL of us .. and to foster and sow genuine connections .. aughghghghg .. then poof!
It all suddenly became so exhausting. It all suddenly became too futile and useless. Especially being surrounded by negativity that seemed and SEEMS to be the norm in the world.
Meditating use to be a wonderful outlet towards going IN ... and I do not even do this as much as I would like. There is a cloudiness or haze that I feel around me that is preventing me from dispersing this cynismn etc .. into nothingness. I have not blogged about this because I want this blog to be about LOVE and LIFE and connecting and blah blah blah .. but then I feel we cannot just always BE all THAT! Or can we? Can we?
So there I was, lying in bed, thinking about the mean'ness that had once again settled into my being. Feeling very disappointed in my SELF and somewhat angered at the fact that I had allowed my SELF to get this way. I wondered when it all started to happen again? When was the change? And how did I allow my SELF to enter such a state?
As I looked back I realized that I had not been blogging about nursing, nor have I blogged about C. It seemed all useless to me for what more was there to say about the connections I found in my work. I write about it, it's all beautiful and sad and warm and loving .. blah blah blah .. and C remains to be one of the kindest and warm hearted people that I know .. blah blah blah .. AND?! ....
Those things were the constants in my life .. and still are. As constants .. they are always there .. these are the GIVEN. So what?
It is the turmoil and the struggles to make ends meet, and the challenge of keeping your tongue and thoughts in line - in order to prevent bad confrontations, and the will power in not ramming your car into the idiot that is in front of you, that has no respect for driving and LIFE in general (as illustrated by their driving) how hypocritical of me to say .. and the news that depicts a worsening mankind and advertisements and music videos that are degrading to anything that stands for humanity and peace and oneness ..
.... and it is the times when I see myself in the mirror and realize the fine wrinkles that have become more prominent and my brows that have turned more downward and my thinning hair ... and I want to rejoice in this destructive demeanor for the moment .. .YEAH!!!!!
And as I catch my breath from all these thoughts .. in between the inhalation and the exhalation .. there is a slight moment of "nothing".
A "nothing" that seemed so familiar to me ...
A "nothing' that in a sense felt comforting and peaceful ....
As my mind slowed down and my thoughts started to settle into the existence of this "nothing" that I happened to catch between my breathing .. .. until it lengthened .... until I found my SELF focusing in the "nothing" ... then something very familiar happened to me.
A voice from within whispered loud enough for me to take notice, " ... the work can never be appreciated without remembering the why ...."
HUH?!
I stopped in time .. one can do this but it takes practice. One only has to be aware that there IS NO TIME .. but that is a whole other blog in it self ...
I allowed my SELF to be still and I tried listening again .... only this time, I heard my heart beat and felt and heard my breath as the air entered my lungs and then exited from them. And I remembered ....
the WORK is not futile. How can it be?
Cynicism and judgement and anger and greed and lust and power and fear ... easily perpetuate themselves in our living states and this easily covers and clouds up the light that is within all of us.
What mankind needs most is healing from LOVE. Be it from the feeling that a song or music, or a poem or a thought or memory gives .. or a smile or a book .. or even a simple blog entry.
Having been in a state of darkness these few months was a vacation I KNOW I need not ever need to take. So what have I learned? That I am still weak and vunerable .. and that I strayed from that inner voice and light. That I got too use to hearing the voice and feeling that light .. that as the days grew, I somehow misinterpreted other voices and other feelings (which I sense were ego's) as TRUTH.
I learned that there is EVIL, but the evil is not what we think we know it as. The Evil is really when we allow ourselves to sleep. And in sleep I mean .. not being aware that .... as always and forever ... only LOVE is real.
Being in separate bodies does not mean that we are separate. And if we allow ourselves to see it like this .. then we are only lying to ourselves. I learned that the our EGO's are very, very powerful ... fear, discontent, powerlessness, even feelings of power and righteousness, and it is extremely easy to fall prey into them. I made a conscious decision a few years ago to follow a certain spiritual path and realized how easy it was to be let astray. Now, I know. Once again I am aware .. and really ....
....if feels so good to be home.
